Ruminate on one of your primary relationships and the last unkind thing that you may have said to them, or they to you, the words that fester still, just there under the skin.
Unfinished business. It accumulates in relationships to such heights that we stare up at it in hopelessness, a mountain too big to scale. It remains unfinished largely because it is complicated and emotionally laden with dark energy. That, and we generally lack the interpersonal and communication skills to wade into its mighty current. It takes courage to take on the anger and defiance of our person, as well as to rein in our own. We simply know not how to engage in a healthy way over difficult issues because we were never taught. Our caretakers had no clue either, rendering them unable to model it for us growing up.
So now as adults we drag our mucked up history into our relationships and do battle with the rudimentary weapons familiar to us. We lash out, place blame, point fingers and generally unload our shit on the other… all while simultaneously maintaining a secret hope that under the piled heap of our offenses they hear our muffled cry for help. Yeah, good luck with that.
Relationships fracture and people move on to their next person because the mess in their rear-view mirror is simply too big to clean up. A clean-up however that requires a learned skillset, an open heart and an ego in check. It is a struggle that is fought on two fronts – with the self first, always, and with my person second. And knowing each other so well, when things get heated and hairy, it’s all too easy to remind the other of their insecurities and get our digs in. Where we become so emotionally defended that all we know is to attack. Where the best defense is a good offense.
This is when the language of “I” statements can be your super power. An “I” statement followed by a feeling leads to something on the order of: “I am hurt that you could tell me, your friend and partner, to ‘stop being so bitchy‘.” “I am disappointed that you moved forward on that financial decision when we were not done discussing it.”
It’s hard to argue with someone’s feelings. “I” statements recast the exchange and bypass the toxic finger-pointing so familiar to us all. With both parties stating their feelings, there is the opportunity to reshape behavior and brain chemistry and change the trajectory of the relationship for the better. But buckle up because it is a bumpy ride like no other.
And yet now we have a fighting chance to explore and grow from the deeper issues at hand. Because let’s face it, we are all wounded to degrees. Wounded by the actions of others, by their comments, their dismissiveness, their lack of communication, care, love, respect, or fill in the blank.. Plug in a thousand variables to this equation, it matters not. It is the underlying hurt that we feel when someone we love does not love us back in the ways that feels good to us that matters.
And so we must ask our person: “What would feel good to you? What can I do differently?” And then consider their answer, and if it doesn’t violate our own integrity, make a choice to give it to them.
We’re now engaged in a very different process, one that affords me the opportunity to come clean and speak to the real issue. Like: “My boss was so unfairly on my ass that day and I can’t very well lash out at him, so I brought my frustration home and made that snarky comment to you. And for that I am truly sorry.” Or, “I made that unilateral financial decision without discussing it with you first because I was convinced that you would disagree with me and I didn’t want a debate. I can understand your disappointment and next time I promise you that I will talk it over with you, no matter what.” Full ownership, ego in check, respect and love expressed for your person. Hella good shit.
And now, equally important, your person needs to respond in kind. To step up and own their share of the disconnection, whatever that may be. It must be a confession of the heart as well. If not, then they inflict on you a grievous wound. You come to them in vulnerability and in return receive a distant, half-hearted response? Do so and they will most likely get your rage. They have violated your trust and that is no small thing.
In this emotional realm there are no shortcuts, half-ass contrition or half-measures or be sure that further turmoil will result. You will feel the tension and so will your person. More unfinished business thrown on the pile.
So commit fully, speak from your heart, and you are onto something grand, possibly monumental. To move from a state of disconnection with your person and its attendant feelings of hurt and disdain for the other, to a touchy dialogue that tests us in multiple ways, and if all goes well to an authentic and heartfelt reconnection on the other side is nothing short of a miracle.
This process establishes as well a precedent and a blueprint for working through difficult and emotionally loaded issues. No small thing because moving forward we retain the ABC’s of working through unfinished business, building trust and confidence in myself and my person that we will both find the bravery and fortitude when it matters most. New and magical lines of communication are established. We have entered a secret world. Where unfinished business no longer defines the relationship.
