The reference does not pertain to interruption of the fornication. If you weren’t assuming that, then points for you. No, breaking intimacy is far more grievous, a relationship serial-killer and a great cause of heartbreak and anguish.
Intimacy. Think of wonderous, fragile moments of lofty emotional connection where the bond felt with your person is difficult to put to words, but mighty nonetheless. Where the heart swells and gratitude fills the space. Typically we stumble onto these moments. Conscious people on the other hand proactively construct them, fully aware of their power to enrich a life.
To think of intimacy, recall perhaps a powerhouse of a movie seen from the couch with someone you hold dear. Or your person was there for you in a profound, emotional way when you were most in need, or them simply telling you how proud they are of you. Tears welled within a swirl of formidable energy that pulsed from heart to soul and it was glorious and… there’s my phone! It is all too intimate and the discomfort too threatening and I can no longer hold the tension of it all. I must fracture it. Sarcasm will do it, as will a dismissive comment. Or, I’m hungry and the fridge is calling. My person is left to wonder, “What exactly the fuck just went down?” One sacred moment and suddenly it’s all too itchy.
To actually discuss the fracturing of this precious moment, and possibly unearth the underlying cause of it all is unlikely. Instead, the subject is changed and the glorious feeling and treasures of the heart are lost. Multiply this broken moment by a thousand and before we know it the relationship is wrought with emotional detachment and a knackered trust.
What then could be the way back in to this exalted place? Begin simply by speaking to the discomfort of it all. Which calls for a courageous willingness. Do it and the rewards are lofty and touch the sky of the divine. An acknowledgement that I am breaking intimacy is a beginning that rings with personal power. It is awareness and a willingness and while it is starting small, I build from there. Similar episodes that follow bring familiarity, recognition and a confidence that I am onto something relevant and special. I am forging the mental acuity to override old neural pathways and a nervous system that cause me to act out.
And to confess to my person, I demonstrate that I care about them and us enough to face down my own difficult history and hold the tension of something rather uncomfortable and vastly different than what I know. Because like every other behavior in our bag, breaking intimacy was modeled for us. We learned it from our caretakers.
So I start by saying to my person that my pulling away may feel personal to them, but it is not. It is simply habitual on my part. It’s not you, it’s me.
If necessary, start the dialogue with a disclaimer. “I don’t know where this will take us and I have no idea where to begin except to say that all of it frankly scares the shit out of me. I want to act out, blame you, remind you of your insecurities and provoke you to lash out. I reverse the roles and turn you into the troublemaker.” Yeah, it’s a whole thing.
Our complicated histories extend deep into the mountain side like emotional veins of ore. The issues found we do not solve in a day or a week. The difference now however is the emergence of new parameters, fresh lines of communication, and a renewed energy infusing the relationship. Together we discover strength of character and a renewed optimism for the relationship as we hang tough with one another when the tension of doing something so different is riding high. When tempers flare, bad shit gets said and the hurt can be great. It is here where a small seed is planted and the result may just be a great oak.
