If there is a more corrosive force on the soul than defiance, I do not know of it. A choice to be argumentative, prickly, self-righteous, dismissive and convinced of one’s “rightness” is a hard way to go. Either we know someone like this – or we are this. For many of us, these sticking points are mostly unconscious, designed to keep others at arm’s length. But more grievously they separate us from our authentic, best self. And before we know it, we’ve morphed into a chore for the people in our life. They hesitate to speak freely with us, address difficult issues with us, because who the hell wants to brave that debate and take on our ego? It would seem as well that as we age, our defenses become more practiced, more habitual, more calcified.
And what a shame. Because great spiritual and emotional riches are found in the recognition and ownership of these behavioral roadblocks. But it requires that we channel our adult selves. For example: On the heels of a heated argument with a loved one you state: “What a shit day I had yesterday and it’s clear to me now that I unloaded a rock pile of frustrations on you, said some things that I regret, and for that I apologize. I vow to be more careful next time because none of this belongs with you.” Yeah, who talks like that?
But consider the outcome: Your person is no longer wondering if it was them that poked the bear. Rather, they sense your lowered defenses, softened features, and calm tones – a clear ownership of your behavior. This seemingly small act of intention represents an entire, hidden world. It is first, a brave and heartful reflection on your part. It is honoring your integrity and soul with an impactful act of personal responsibility. It is a proactive measure to clean up the past and remove some of the sting of injurious words. It is a building of a powerful trust. It is the face of love.
And let there be no mistake, within the deep swell of this phenomenon is where relationships flourish. It is a pact as well that requires much from both parties. Honorable people walk this path as a matter of course, first questioning themselves in every case. “What role did I play in the argument? Was I bitchy with her, prompting an equally bitchy response?”
A friend conveyed to me an analogy of the cross that I’ve never forgotten. Not having experienced a religious upbringing, the cross wasn’t much in my thoughts. Until that moment. The analogy goes: “Observe the shape of the cross and embrace the idea that, like the cross I must first go in before I go out.” In other words, I must always ask what issue, what disfunction, what contribution to our disconnection is mine? What have I said or done to contribute to the existing tension, to the fracture? It is this conscious probing that honors my integrity, and ultimately leads me to the answer to my questions.
Let us say that the internal struggle stated above is a work thing. And it weighs on me like a millstone around the neck to where I am convinced that my job and income are in jeopardy. It is a thing not easily resolved, and certainly not in this moment. And further, I feel that I cannot hold the tension of it one minute longer and have a high need to unburden myself of its ick. Careful though. It is a tricky energy and if not consciously managed and talked through, a greater tension and emotional injury lurk just there in the shadows.
A simple, proactive step can save the day. Something on the order of this approach with your person: “I am drained with this work matter and at a loss and I need to vent, and to be heard by you. And please know that I am not necessarily looking for a solution.” My intent is now clear and you’re aware that while I may be on edge, it is not about you. The job then is to be the active listener and to make the effort not to take personally your person’s harsh tones and vitriol. Its big, it’s heated, it’s life and we all experience these hard turn of events.
And good for me as I am my own advocate. I have constructed an emotional container for the exchange to come. A structured, invisible realm if you will for the mystical and immense power of dialogue to find its stride and the wisdom beyong. Here is my person, supportive, engaged in active listening, feeding back to me their insights when appropriate, and posing relevant questions. I can now relax into the trust we’ve built, my vulnerability being safe with you. This allows me as well to fully seek out the true epicenter of my agitation. I shouldn’t be surprised when I invariably discover that I am triggered (a term I consider to be both abused and weaponized) by work.
Ultimately, I am here to learn of my wounds, blind spots and disfunction, and then to forge them into strengths. And in the process become more whole. More conscious, more humble. A better human being.
And when two of us are fully engaged and fully in this discovery, a channeling can transpire. Where deep learning occurs and old, stale ways of thinking and acting are born out and sometimes shed. And that is of the angels.
So while defiance is multi-layered, it is so often an unconsciously proactive act on our part to maintain an isolation and insulation from others. The more I act out, the more defended I am, the less opportunity for a true and soulful connection exists then with you. A concept that scares the living hell out of many of us. It is far easier (it would seem) to remain emotionally distant and bypass the muck of close relationships that are difficult by their very nature. Instead, we argue, push back, run away, speak the hurtful things, stray, betray and focus on the worst in one another.
But yet, when relationships are humming along, aren’t they just majestic? The yum of a sweet partnership, deep friendship or a kindred affinity with another deliver the emotional riches that make for a memorable life. That it all takes work and consciousness and deliberate choices by both souls cannot be overstated.
But how to navigate these complex thoughts and energies, and know who and what to trust? First, know thyself. And allow the small, still voice to be heard. The instinct that speaks to you, me and the neighbor on all matters. Do I always want to hear what this whisper offers up, to go where it leads? Hell no, and fuck no. And for damn sure, what is good for the ego does not serve the soul.
To know one’s own defiance is to know a great deal. Through many difficult episodes with people that cared about me, I learned long ago that it did not serve my emotional and spiritual growth and evolution. I am familiar with the energetic pull and the power of my defenses and my need to be right. And what, I die on that hill? Or as my dear mother used to state to her children, “Don’t be a pill!”
No, I choose instead the examined life that is largely free of defiance. The one comprised of unavoidable pain (because pain is part of our contract, regardless) with a deeper purpose. One where I choose the pursuit of clarity, consciousness and a liberation from the shackles of defiance.
